the fossil record
<<50>>
A German company asks
a porno actress
to try a range of cars
to assess best
and worst
for sex. Ford Galaxy
wins. Mercedes CLK
loses. Makes me think
of my younger years,
when I evaluated
a '52 Ford, a '54 Mercury,
a '61 Chevy stationwagon,
a '60 Plymouth
and a '62 Volkswagen bug
as bedrooms on wheels.
The Ford worked well,
except for the steering
wheel, the bottom rim of which
tended to hit my girl
on the bridge of the nose.
The Mercury had loud mufflers
that woke up farmers
and brought them poking
around with flashlights, making
seclusion hard to find. The Chevy
stationwagon, a boxy blue
beast, belonged to her parents
and had clear plastic seat covers,
which produced cold flesh
and disconcerting squeaks.
The Plymouth was my dad's
and had no seatcovers,
which resulted in an alarming
wet spot on the cloth
of the back seat. The VW bug
was too small for sex,
so it had to be equipped
with an old Army
blanket to be spread
under shrubbery, across floors
of abandoned shacks, on beaches
from Florence to Sunset Cove.
Now that I am old
and much married, sex never
occurs in cars, or near
them. Maybe I'll drive
downtown, check the cost
of a new Ford Galaxy.
David Jordan